Family meetings are for problem-solving, not judging

2022-08-02 0 By

Family meetings are used to solve problems, not to criticize the children of a family, at least two people, more than six or seven people, it is difficult to form the same habits, the same way of doing things.We want the whole family to be together in harmony and to solve problems. When problems arise, what can we do to solve the conflicts in the family and bring the whole family closer?Coco is 10 years old this year, but still like to throw things as a child, playing toys with a throw, clothes, shoes off directly on the ground.The mother was so annoyed that she suggested a family meeting about the littering.At the family meeting, mom said cocoa is 10 years old, never clean their room, dad also said cocoa after playing toys litter habit is not good, grandma came forward and said: “Yes, last time grandpa stepped on cocoa threw toys on the ground, almost fell.”…At first, Coco just listened in silence. Then she shouted angrily, “You are all littering, and I am not the only one!”The rest of the meeting was filled with finger-pointing and self-justification.This is what we usually do as we clean up and nag our kids: “Why don’t you put this back in its place?”While cleaning while nagging children: “how also don’t know to help?”Enumerate your child’s annoying behaviors, but never offer solutions….What the child is thinking “Let’s not have the family meeting because it’s all about me in the end.””The so-called family meeting is to criticize me, you vent your feelings and then solve the problem.”· Understand yourself and understand your child’s bad habits. If you nag, the message your child receives is criticism. After being criticized, the child will think that you think he is not doing well enough or very badly, while he thinks he is doing well.In order to protect themselves, or to your nagging deaf ears, or all the energy used to fight with you, but is not to change their bad habits.The first scene of cocoa mother, originally wanted to put lovely throwing things through the family meeting to change the problem, but because the whole family gathered to accuse cocoa, finally, not only did not solve the problem, but the whole family also a dispute.In this family meeting, parents are not so much solving problems as giving ideological education lessons or venting their own frustrations.If we can go into family meetings with a clear purpose and focus on problem solving, then we should be thinking about what we can do with our children in the coming days to achieve that purpose.There are ways to try positive parenting in family meetings, which are different from our traditional family meetings.Many of the challenges we face in our daily lives can be solved in family meetings.Different from the traditional family meeting, positive family meeting discipline, children are involved in problem solving, rather than be manipulated or criticism, you will find that after a family meeting was over, can one-time solve various problems that exist in the family is of secondary importance, in this process, a child’s ability to learn, and the deepening of the intimacy between parents and children, is the main.For example, Coco, who always makes a mess in the first scene, may hear her mother tell her during the thank you part of the family meeting: “Thank you for setting the table for the whole family before breakfast.”Dad said to her, “Thank you for bringing Daddy’s slippers when daddy comes home from work.”Grandma said to her, “Thank you for teaching Grandma how to use her cell phone that night.”…At this time, the one shortcomings always make a mess in the home cocoa disappeared, she is the family eyes sweet lovely little helper, this will make her feel particularly good, and a child only when feeling good, will have the subjective will to do better.So when her mother suggested brainstorming ways to bring order into the house, Coco was no longer the one being judged, but the one who volunteered to brainstorm solutions with the family.She may want to play with complicated, multi-part toys by fixing them in one corner so they don’t spread things all over the place.She might also think of classifying and labeling her belongings;Or add a shelf…The purpose of a family meeting is to motivate your child to do this, not force him to do it. The child will come up with a solution that is more effective than your constant preaching, nagging or even beating.So, how do you have a family meeting?A successful family meeting starts with three things.1.Make sure there are no other distractions.When you set a time for a family meeting, drop everything you’re doing, turn off the TV, cell phones, etc., and gather around the table or in the living room.Set a time limit of 15 to 30 minutes. Shorter periods of time are easier to maintain concentration.2.Post the agenda a few days in advance.Post meetings a few days in advance where the whole family can see them — on the door, above the shoe cabinet, on the refrigerator door.The good thing about this agenda is that it allows your family to think about these issues ahead of time and come up with solutions.3.Meetings should have a moderator, recorder and timekeeper.Even young children can participate in family meetings.At meetings, it’s up to you to identify who will record, time, and moderate. you can take turns as a family.The moderator makes sure everyone gets a chance to speak;The recorder needs to record the whole process of the meeting, including what everyone says.The timekeeper should remind each speaker to finish his or her thoughts and decisions within the allotted time.Family meetings have three sessions.Step 1 — a thank-you or compliment.Each person should express specific thanks to other family members, and be sure to describe specific things, not generalities.For example, you might say, “Thank you for reminding me to bring my phone this morning.”Say to the father, “Thank you for taking a detour on your way home from work to get my favorite chestnuts.”Say to grandma, “Thank you for getting up so early every day just to go to the market and buy the freshest ingredients to feed the whole family.”…Express your thanks clockwise or counterclockwise, rather than singling them out, in order to make everyone feel equal.This session allows everyone’s efforts to be seen, and also allows you to learn to pay attention to the little bits of life, from the original take for granted all the efforts of others, to see the hard work and value of others.Especially for the elderly, at home, from morning to night, big and small things need to be taken care of, its hard work is no less than those who work outside, or even more tired, and it is difficult to quantify.Therefore, showing gratitude to the elderly will give them a sense of value and achievement, and will also teach children gratitude.Some members of the family may be reluctant to express gratitude in family meetings at first, so instead of thanking them, start with compliments until you get used to thanking them directly.The second part — discussion.After the praise and thank you, the discussion will start. The whole family will brainstorm a solution to a certain family problem.What is brainstorming?The biggest characteristic of brainstorming is that it does not criticize, praise or evaluate, and takes everyone’s emotions into consideration.When a person speaks his mind, even if the idea or suggestion is clearly wrong, do not immediately reject it.Only by fully feeling that their emotions are being taken care of can each speaker realize that he or she is being respected and willing to express himself or herself.The recorder is responsible for writing down all the brainstorming solutions and then working together to choose the one that is acceptable to each family member.It has to be something that everyone can accept, rather than traditional majority voting, which tends to highlight family discord.What you need to do is to convey an attitude of trust in your home — that you can work together to find solutions that respect each other.Allow other people’s different ideas to exist, rather than go around trying to solve the problem and let people who have different opinions listen to your decision.Let’s say you have a family meeting to discuss where to go for your winter vacation. Three of you want to go to Hainan, and one of you insists on going to Harbin.If the decision is made to go to Hainan for a family vacation by voting or other means, the family member going to Harbin will feel very hurt.At this time, there is no need to rush to solve the problem, it is ok to leave this problem to the next meeting to continue discussion.During a meeting, the moderator can suggest that everyone speak in turn, and only speak when it is their turn. Do not interrupt others.The last link – entertainment time.Finally, finish with an activity that the whole family can participate in, such as playing games and eating dessert, so that the whole family can feel the warmth and love of the family and get a sense of belonging.I went through the process of having a family meeting, but it didn’t work out.It doesn’t matter that you might have several family meetings on a problem, or even after a few meetings, the problem hasn’t been resolved.The important thing is that you and your family practice family meetings over and over again, and over time it becomes a family tradition.Family meetings can help you decide where to travel, what to eat for dinner and what to do around the house.Throughout the session, you and your child will practice skills such as gratitude, listening, respect, cooperation, problem solving, taking responsibility in a friendly atmosphere, and learning from mistakes.I believe this is what you want to give your child more than solving the problem itself.Prevention of problems 1.Post the agenda a few days in advance.2.Make sure there are no other distractions, like the TV or the phone.What can children learn?1.Family members give thanks to each other, which helps children learn gratitude rather than blame.2.In brainstorming, everyone is active in thinking, which can develop the ability of active thinking, rather than just obedience.3.When family members speak, children learn to respect others and listen without being judged or interrupted.4.Sitting down as a family to figure out how to solve a problem helps a child develop cooperative skills….Relax and make thank you stickers with your kids.For every minute you spend with your family, write it down and post it on the fridge, on the wall, in your notebook, or wherever you like.If another family member forgets, remind him: “Would you like to put that on a thank-you sticker?”A thank-you sticker reads: “Thank you babe for helping me clean up the stools and books on the floor while I mop.””Thank you, Grandma, for cutting fruit for the whole family while they watch TV.”The expression of thanks emphasizes not the person, but the small but moving thing.Source: Time Mandarin Licensed from “Inspire children’s Drive”